Streams II

Sunshine brings warmth.
I took my shirt off at the office today. Sat for a couple hours just rocking the white T.
I've been thinking a lot lately.
What am I doing with my life.
Part of it is going very well. I'm living in a foreign country. I have a good paying job. I have an awesome girlfriend. I squeeze out something creative from time to time.
I still feel that I'm not living up to my potential.
Most of the time, as this happens frequently, I berate myself for not having done better since the last time I berated myself for not having done better. Obviously, this has not produced the desired results.
There is no one that has the power to make me do anything or hold me back.
Except, of course, myself.
I am the omniscient emperor of Adam.

Now, to decide what to do with that. 

Today

I thought about me.
I thought about God.
I thought about Christianity.
I wondered what it means to be a Christian.
I wondered why it seems so difficult to define.
I wondered why so many scramble for just the title.
I asked what was expected of me.
I asked what I expected of me.
I asked why it mattered.
I took a moment to enjoy the sun.
I took the chance to play football with strangers.
I took the opportunity to talk to someone.
I hoped I would do the same tomorrow.

Always Trade Up

A friend of mine once told me to "Always trade up."
She had noticed that people sometimes make terrible choices and trade something of great value for something that has much less value or something worth nothing at all.
Whatever you place value on, this is pretty sound advice. Take advantage of your opportunities and watch out for things that may seem good, but are hollow.
I've been trading up for several years and have reached a place in life where I am very happy.
I have a great job.
I have a terrific girl.
I'm in good shape.
I make good decisions.
I'm building friendships.
I'm more aware of others' needs.
I'm keeping my house clean. :-)
I'm making plans to sail. This is something I've wanted for years.
I'm pursuing my photography.
I will own a motorcycle in a couple months. :-) Another thing I've wanted to do for years.
I like who I am.
I like my job.
I like where I'm living.
I like the people I work with.
I love the people who have stood by me for the past few years. You are my family.
I traded up, Cheryl.
I done good, yo. :-))
I'm happy. 

0 to Teacher in 3 classes

It's like riding a bike.
3 classes in and I'm swinging like the best of times.
I love new jobs.
I am not sure if I like that I like new jobs... but I do just the same.
I want to like one for a long time.
I like teaching.
I like interacting with students and teachers alike.
I love the atmosphere that surrounds children.
You never know what is going to happen.
What they are going to do.
What they are going to say.
Likewise, I'm never quite sure what's going to pop out of my own mouth.
This is a source of much pleasure and, frequently enough, trouble.
The totals at the end of the day are in the black.
I love teaching.

Idealism

I have known for many years that I really should avoid talking about politics. It's not that I don't care. It's not that I am completely uninformed, though completely is the operative word there. I do not claim great knowledge or deep political insight.
It's that my motto for politics is this; "Why can't we all just get along?"
I realize how invalid this is based on the reality of centuries of cycling history, yet I still blindly wish that we could somehow quit hating each other and reach a point of mutual acceptance.
I know it's absurd.
It may make you laugh.
The naivety of the idea might make you cry.
I don't want to hate you.
I don't want you to hate me.

Each of us have something that captivates our energy and our thoughts. I've tried to understand this. My failing to understand political disagreements, hatred and war originates in my personal life. Most of my energies have been focused on connection and acceptance. There is little room for either of these on a personal level in the realm of political discussion.

I will try not to be too hard on your politics.
I will try to understand that our divergent, though sometimes trivial, desires will continue to lead us against each other in the global arena.

I know that this is naive.
I know that tomorrow some of you will kill others of you.
I hope you will think about this before you pull the trigger.
The man in your sights is you.

I hope we can meet one day.
That we can shake hands and share a meal.
And be better off for having done so.

Japan, a brief impression

I've seen some of the crazy stuff that has come out of Japan, and I've been more than a little curious as to the source. I spent 33 hours in Fukuoka this week. This is what I discovered.
Sushi is defined as anything raw from the sea.
The subway is very expensive.
The Japanese are quite reserved in public.
They have a good sense of style.
There are bikes everywhere.
Bike seats are set at the lowest possible position. (??)
Public restrooms exists.
The Japanese love trees and the take VERY good care of them.
They can drink quite quickly.
Seem very willing to experiment with life.
The streets are filled with squarer, more European style cars.
There are older cars on the road.
 I encountered many who were very willing to attempt communication in spite of a complete lack of common language.
They have AWESOME toilets!!! The feed line to fill the tank is run through a small sink at the top so that you can wash your hands using the water for the next flush. Very cool!!
I'll be back!!

Superpowers

I have a superpower.
OK, it's probably not as big a deal to you as it is to me, but I do possess a craft of sorts.
My subconscious latches onto my feelings in a moment of heightened sensation and matches it with a lyric floating around in my head. The songs, or more often pieces, are then pushed upward into my consciousness and I start sing the song in my head.
More often then not, this is a song I've not heard in quite some time, maybe years. This is how I figured out what was going on. The songs were from old playlist and fit perfectly with what had been going on in my head. It has happened often enough for me say that this is true.
My subconscious expresses itself through song.

There may be a songwriter in me yet.
:-)

Modest Tribute

The good times are

Exactly what they are.

If we ever thought to trade up to something better.

We both know it would miss.

Better is an allusion.

What we have is what counts.

It is the sum of our decisions.

Our choices.

The things we have said. The things we’ve done.

We have more than we deserve.

We have what we ask for.  

It feels damn good to me. 

Clueless

I've found in life that the yin and yang of things is generally true. So I guess I should expect a spike in the valium every now and then. Honestly, my life is pretty good. I have had a good long vacation. I have  good job lined up(for NEXT month :-). I have good plans for the future. I have a couple of friends that will always have my back. I usually have really good food to put in my stomach. I always sleep next to a beautiful woman. I'm in pretty good shape. I have a decent head on my shoulders.
Sometimes, though, Something tosses me for a complete loop. I should have expected it. I've been feeling really good this week. A two hour conversation with a good friend put a few things straight in my head. I was better than happy. In fact, yesterday, I was practically euphoric. Just on life. It was a good as I had always imagined.
Tonight, my lover is breathing steadily in the rest of slumber, and I'm writing in my blog. At 1am. Drinking beer and typing away. I must confess that there is a bot more delete-and-re-type going on than usual... :-) You're glad you can't see it.
I'm listening to Jack Johnson say that maybe the heart is no place to be singing from at all. Actually, that is what this is. The honest thoughts of a man who has survived what I hope is the worst of my life. It really is from the heart. That is the only reason I have my life. My friends. My lover. I shoot from the heart.
So being clueless for a moment isn't the end of the world. I know that when my pillow has a dent in it, everything will be ok. It's true.
Everything will be OK. 

Friend

I think we all know what the word would have behind it if we looked it up in the dictionary. I also think that "Friend" means something different to every one of us.
I do not lay claim to dozens of people who have legitimately held the title in my life. People who showed up when rock-bottom skinned your knees. People who bought pizza and beer for no real reason at all. Those who were happy you called.
So here's to you, my friends.

May your days satisfy you.
May the sun shine warmly on you.
May your skies be blue.
May beauty find it's way to your heart.
May those you love return it to you many-fold.
May you heart be filled with joy.
I hope to be a better friend tomorrow than I was yesterday.
Fair winds and Following seas, my friend.
Adam

Streams

I rode ~13km today on my bike. 4 or so on the highway. Scary.
Now, listening to Belle and Sebastian, It seems distant.
I wonder about this sometimes.
The way things are perceived.
What is it that makes a long-term impression?
Why do we sometimes remember the most inane things
while some events that we would think should make a bigger impression are so easily forgotten?
It is the subconscience that makes these decisions.
Not our conscious minds.
Otherwise, we would would not spend so much energy clinging to certain images we feel we can't live without.
I've done that. Hanging on to what I thought was important. Trying desperately not to loose it.
Then, I discover that it has been holistically set aside by something my conscious mind would have designated insignificant in the moment.
The reverse is also true.
And it is this that seems to be more the case for me.
Events that I would give anything to be rid of.
Yet they haunt me.
Constantly.
They say that time heals all wounds.
But time is a shoddy healer who ends up doing a patchwork job at best and does little to protect your vulnerabilities to new cuts and bruises.
I can't say that I'm a fan.
There is something to the passing of time though.
We flow.
We become something more than we were.
We get deeper.
We understand the world better.
We learn to heal our own wounds instead depending solely on the unsteady hands of the barely qualified civil war medic called time.
Our values change.
Our beliefs change to. Hopefully for the better.
Most of the time, not.
But I think we evolve during life.
Constantly changing.
How is up to us.
From the mountains to the sea.

That Music

It's been several years for me now. It's hard to think about the music that was so iconic during my teens and early twenties. The music I listened to over and over and over again. Every generation has it. Every person has it.
Maybe it was the Beatles.
Maybe it was the Doors.
I had one friend who claimed Elvis.

For me, it is not so much a group as a playlist.
I'm listening to Wonderwall.
The song before it was Iris.
And before that, Freshmen.
No Rain.
Mr. Brightside.
Jealousy.
Runaway Train.
Foolish Games.
Here With Me.
Don't Look Back in Anger.

There are others. Music that is imprinted on my brain.
Music that has somehow made itself a part of me.

Maybe it's cheesy.
But it's my cheesy.
Listen, and Remember. 

Dark Shower

I've never figured out why I do it.
But I love it.
I turn off all the lights and close the windows.
I close the bathroom door.
No light.
Only Darkness.
I make my way to the shower. I have the motions memorized.
We never think about that. How many things we can do without our eyes.
There is a lot we can do with our eyes closed.
I find the right temperature. Almost scalding in winter. As warm as is comfy in the summer.
No light.
Only darkness.
My mind drifts. I think of nothing.
Nothing comes to mind.
The only sounds are the water hitting my body and falling to the tiles below me.
I lose my bearings.
There is no up or down. Left or right.
The only reference is the steady stream of water pouring from an undefined spot on the wall.
The only sensation is the water flowing over my body.
The shower is not short. Not long.
I dry off in the darkness.
Stillness replacing the steady drone of the shower-head.
I am refreshed.
Whatever has driven me too this is satisfied for the moment.
I slowly open the door and am reborn into the light. 

Pain

It's been years since I've played sports. That is a bit of a cliche, but it's very true.
Let's see... almost four years?
So I'm not accustomed to sports injuries.
Tonight, I got a refresher.

Pain hurts.

That was the point. A teenager decided to plant his knee in my quad while playing basketball.
It's not comfy. I hurt.
But it's nice to be moving again.
My body remembering moves that hav been gathering dust for years.

I'm OK with that. :-)

!!Frak!! this hurts. 

Alone

I am a believer that time spent alone is simultaneously the most positive and destructive force on earth.

It is only when we are alone that we realize how feeble we are.
How much we aren't capable of.
How many weaknesses we possess.

At the same time, time spent alone shows us what we have done.
It presents us with possibilities.
It allows us a quiet space to be ok with whatever is going on.
It gives us the means to solve problems.

It really just depends on how you want to use it. 

It's nothing

A cold day and a chat with an old friend.
A night of imbibing and a questionable confession.
A subsequent headache and strong coffee.
A bowl of soup and off brand crackers.
An orphan and his mother.
A walk and a snowy hour.
A roaming hand and a smooth, curving body.
An open window and a cold draft.
A listening ear and empty music.

Music

Anyone who has heard a music suggestion from me in the past two+ years has heard the name Modest Mouse. The music is weird and funky. The lyrics are honest and don't rythme. Both join in a single, beautiful symbiotic dance that has held my attention since 2009.

Belle and Sebastian. British music. A little folksy, but honest. The kind of melancholy that doesn't leave you sad. Funny how Europeans have a knack for expressing the strongest of negative emotions and leaving you with the feel that you have survived much worse and you'll be OK this time as well.

The recommendation stands. I would suggest listening to a few songs before passing judgement. I've had them on my computer for years and Im just now discovering them. Maybe that is how it was supposed to be.
Enjoy

Alanis

You never know when the mood will strike, but you know it will.
Every once in a while, you have to slum some music from the 80s or 90s.
I find few from those decades that are still able to captivate me for a whole album... if it's still ok to use that term.
Today is one of those days. Alanis fills me with nostalgia. Artistic. Sad. Crazy as hell. That broad must have been completely off her nut, but she put out. Her music is honest and captivating.

Why today?
Well, it was simply supposed to be today. 

Talk

It's a song by Coldplay.
Though I must confess that they simply put words to what has been the central theme of humanity for millennia. It's an amazing capacity, really. We can open our mouths and communicate anything we want.
We can learn French.
We can learn Spanish.
We can speak Arabic if our beating cardiacs desire.
We can give speeches at conferences.
Whisper in someone's ear.
We can write a letter.
We can we write a book.
We communicate with lights.
We communicate with bumps.
We figured out how to make electric signals pass through wire and air. Now we can talk to anyone with the right device ANYWHERE in the world.
Phones. Paper. Radio. Video. Television. Art. Smoke signals. Satellites. Gestures. Signs.

All of this. Thousands of years of development and linguistic evolution.
I just want to talk.
Really. Talk. 

Munchies

So, I can't get full lately. It is the result of two compound circumstances that cumulate in this chronic condition. One, I'spent the last two months in the US eating massive amounts of meat, cheese and sweet sugary delicacies which are not readily available in Korea. Two, upon returning to Korea, my food budget has been greatly reduced and I'm living on rather simple and more wholesome foods. In 2-3 more weeks, my system will adjust and I will be content eating potatoes and lettuce.
Until then, misery.
My only consolations are found in a cans of Spam and the remnants of a bottle of honey that I add to my tea. There are times when I'm overcome and I splurge on a Hershey's bar.
It's sad.
I know at the same time that I shouldn't complain about this not-so-sad predicament. There are millions who would just love to have my daily rations. I can't say that I'm really complaining. I am just feeling hungry.
It's kinda like last year when my gf and I did a cleanse for 6 days. Of course, there is a voice in my head telling me that there are millions who would love to have the lemons and honey that I consumed during those very long days.
So I guess it's not so bad.
I'm going to stop complaining now.

BUT I'M HUNGRY!!!!!!

Poison

Most people would probably advise you not to take poison.
We generally regard poison as bad.
We avoid poison, sometimes at great cost.
Poison causes pain. We don't generally like pain.
Poison causes death. We don't generally like death.
Poison is bad.

So how can it be that some people are emotional poison?
And why do we judge ourselves so harshly for  treating them as such?

I can do anything

I can do anything I want.
I can write a book.
I can fly a plane.
I can sail around the world.
I can be the best teacher in the world.
I can build furniture.
I can write poems.
I can play the guitar.
I can play a hand drum.
I can cook like mad.
I can live in France.
I can build a chateau.
I can make great beer.
I can cycle everywhere.
I can scuba in the South Pacific.
I can take world class photos.
I can live all my dreams.

So why don't I?

Nightmare

No really. I had one. I don't usually have bad dreams. Like, NEVER.
But I had one last night.
I am currently unemployed and, having sent off many resumes, have not received ANY offers of employment or even interview. This is disconcerting to me. (this is real life, btw. I'm sure that somebody can relate...)
There is a place where my girlfriend works that she thought I could get hired on to and it would work out pretty well for me. I decided to go for it.
Now, I've been a little less confident for the past week or so after my rousing response of nothing in return to so many resumes. This idea, since it worked for me on so many levels, actually had me excited. I wouldn't be making quite as much money, but expenses would be less. Yada, yada, yada. It was cool to finally have a direction.
I also, consequently, allowed my other prospects to have a piece of my mind. This happened in my mind, so no external damage done...
The end result? I was pretty set to put most of my eggs in the one basket. Until last night.
Last night over dinner, my girlfriend, who a bit spacey at times, gets a really weird look on her face and says something like "They already have enough people..." Ominous. Then she starts naming off people in a very long process and concluding that the company has plenty of employees while I go to pieces inside.
She leaves after dinner.
I'm terrified.
Finally, at 2am, I fall asleep. This morning, I wake up thinking that the guy in charge of hiring has stopped by and told me that he only has one position to fill and he has a solid candidate to fill it. That person is NOT me.

The image is still in my head. Those words are still in my head. His facial expressions are still in my head.
This is the first nightmare I've had since I was a teenager.
I hope it never happens again.

Saturday Morning

Woke up slow. That's really the best way to wake up. I've always hated rushing in the morning. I also hate waking up to an alarm. Unfortunately, I rarely go to bed early enough to wake up without one. Or... I go to bed so late waking up "in the middle of the night" results in discovering I'm 4 minutes before the beginning of my day.
Today was good. I put on Modest Mouse and listened to some stuff I've not heard much. Then I played with my girlfriend. I love laughing. I started about a year ago. It's brilliant. It does wonders for my day.
I talked to a colleague yesterday and verified that my cover letter and resume weren't off the charts. I'm not so good at being objective with such things. My mind works in really odd ways. I think of things that most people don't and miss the most obvious of everyday life. At least that's not the reason that no one has responded to my resumes. Which leaves me at square one to figure out how 15 schools could have collectively decided that it wasn't worth an interview...
It's just a matter of pride now. I should be able to get a job easily where my girlfriend works. I just feel like it is the easy way out. It is really nice to be able to ask detailed questions about the situation and get real answers. It's not perfect, but I think I know most of the bad stuff going in. That makes a world of difference to me. 

On the train

I’m on a train listening to Modest Mouse. Ever heard of them? They have been my favorite band for more than two years now. I would liken them to Coldplay, as I really liked them for a while in 2007ish, but MM has something above catchy music. It’s the beautiful harmony of both music and lyrics. I just watched that movie, btw.

So, it’s 9am and I’m on a train into Seoul for the first time all week. I feel better than I have for a very long time. If I had written again yesterday, as I started to do, you would have been informed, in a very sob-story sort of way, that I am currently unemployed. I have been for the past 10 months, but now I’m looking for a job and had gotten a bit scared at the prospects. Or maybe it was the competition.

There is no profession on earth that is untouched at the moment. Everyone is feeling the crunch. Last night, however, I made a decision. I’d had a opportunity knocking that I’d not really given much consideration. I considered it. I talked about it. I thought about it more. It was a good choice. A viable choice. I decided to go for it. Still waiting to hear if it’s a green light, but the chances are in my favor.

Does it bother anyone else when a woman walks past and you can smell her feminine hygiene products? I’ve always wondered why they make them with that distinctive scent. It seems like we could make something more discreet. Just a thought. 

I want

I want to write songs. 

Today is Thursday

My name is Adam. Have you ever noticed that people named Adam are generally a bit odd? Odd in the cool way. Artistic. Eclectic. Maybe even a bit eccentric.
Except for Adam Baldwin... Not really sure about him.
But the norm still exist and has been proven, at least in my experience, over and again.
I've never been good friends with an Adam, but I've observed many. Intelligent. Creative. Likable. Weird.  Some of us wear glasses. Some of us have tattoos. Yet we all share something not-so-easy to define. A charm. An oddness.
Of course, there is the possibility that I'm simply searching for some explanation for my own idiosyncrasies...
Welcome to my world.


And there you have it. A proper introduction.
I get lost in thought. I'm an ace at finding rabbit trails and sometimes I get lost on them. More recently, that has been happening more often, though I generally do make it back to the point.


This blog is not for you. I have no idea if 'you' will ever read it. Part of me doesn't care. The point is that in spite of this blog not being written FOR you, it is being written TO you. Whoever "you" are.
I do not promise wit.
I do not promise laughs
Or the preservation of my own dignity.
I will offer an old cliche typical to this not-so-new-by-today's-standards method of expressing yourself:
Honesty.


Yada Yada Yada.