Alone

I am a believer that time spent alone is simultaneously the most positive and destructive force on earth.

It is only when we are alone that we realize how feeble we are.
How much we aren't capable of.
How many weaknesses we possess.

At the same time, time spent alone shows us what we have done.
It presents us with possibilities.
It allows us a quiet space to be ok with whatever is going on.
It gives us the means to solve problems.

It really just depends on how you want to use it. 

It's nothing

A cold day and a chat with an old friend.
A night of imbibing and a questionable confession.
A subsequent headache and strong coffee.
A bowl of soup and off brand crackers.
An orphan and his mother.
A walk and a snowy hour.
A roaming hand and a smooth, curving body.
An open window and a cold draft.
A listening ear and empty music.

Music

Anyone who has heard a music suggestion from me in the past two+ years has heard the name Modest Mouse. The music is weird and funky. The lyrics are honest and don't rythme. Both join in a single, beautiful symbiotic dance that has held my attention since 2009.

Belle and Sebastian. British music. A little folksy, but honest. The kind of melancholy that doesn't leave you sad. Funny how Europeans have a knack for expressing the strongest of negative emotions and leaving you with the feel that you have survived much worse and you'll be OK this time as well.

The recommendation stands. I would suggest listening to a few songs before passing judgement. I've had them on my computer for years and Im just now discovering them. Maybe that is how it was supposed to be.
Enjoy

Alanis

You never know when the mood will strike, but you know it will.
Every once in a while, you have to slum some music from the 80s or 90s.
I find few from those decades that are still able to captivate me for a whole album... if it's still ok to use that term.
Today is one of those days. Alanis fills me with nostalgia. Artistic. Sad. Crazy as hell. That broad must have been completely off her nut, but she put out. Her music is honest and captivating.

Why today?
Well, it was simply supposed to be today. 

Talk

It's a song by Coldplay.
Though I must confess that they simply put words to what has been the central theme of humanity for millennia. It's an amazing capacity, really. We can open our mouths and communicate anything we want.
We can learn French.
We can learn Spanish.
We can speak Arabic if our beating cardiacs desire.
We can give speeches at conferences.
Whisper in someone's ear.
We can write a letter.
We can we write a book.
We communicate with lights.
We communicate with bumps.
We figured out how to make electric signals pass through wire and air. Now we can talk to anyone with the right device ANYWHERE in the world.
Phones. Paper. Radio. Video. Television. Art. Smoke signals. Satellites. Gestures. Signs.

All of this. Thousands of years of development and linguistic evolution.
I just want to talk.
Really. Talk. 

Munchies

So, I can't get full lately. It is the result of two compound circumstances that cumulate in this chronic condition. One, I'spent the last two months in the US eating massive amounts of meat, cheese and sweet sugary delicacies which are not readily available in Korea. Two, upon returning to Korea, my food budget has been greatly reduced and I'm living on rather simple and more wholesome foods. In 2-3 more weeks, my system will adjust and I will be content eating potatoes and lettuce.
Until then, misery.
My only consolations are found in a cans of Spam and the remnants of a bottle of honey that I add to my tea. There are times when I'm overcome and I splurge on a Hershey's bar.
It's sad.
I know at the same time that I shouldn't complain about this not-so-sad predicament. There are millions who would just love to have my daily rations. I can't say that I'm really complaining. I am just feeling hungry.
It's kinda like last year when my gf and I did a cleanse for 6 days. Of course, there is a voice in my head telling me that there are millions who would love to have the lemons and honey that I consumed during those very long days.
So I guess it's not so bad.
I'm going to stop complaining now.

BUT I'M HUNGRY!!!!!!

Poison

Most people would probably advise you not to take poison.
We generally regard poison as bad.
We avoid poison, sometimes at great cost.
Poison causes pain. We don't generally like pain.
Poison causes death. We don't generally like death.
Poison is bad.

So how can it be that some people are emotional poison?
And why do we judge ourselves so harshly for  treating them as such?

I can do anything

I can do anything I want.
I can write a book.
I can fly a plane.
I can sail around the world.
I can be the best teacher in the world.
I can build furniture.
I can write poems.
I can play the guitar.
I can play a hand drum.
I can cook like mad.
I can live in France.
I can build a chateau.
I can make great beer.
I can cycle everywhere.
I can scuba in the South Pacific.
I can take world class photos.
I can live all my dreams.

So why don't I?

Nightmare

No really. I had one. I don't usually have bad dreams. Like, NEVER.
But I had one last night.
I am currently unemployed and, having sent off many resumes, have not received ANY offers of employment or even interview. This is disconcerting to me. (this is real life, btw. I'm sure that somebody can relate...)
There is a place where my girlfriend works that she thought I could get hired on to and it would work out pretty well for me. I decided to go for it.
Now, I've been a little less confident for the past week or so after my rousing response of nothing in return to so many resumes. This idea, since it worked for me on so many levels, actually had me excited. I wouldn't be making quite as much money, but expenses would be less. Yada, yada, yada. It was cool to finally have a direction.
I also, consequently, allowed my other prospects to have a piece of my mind. This happened in my mind, so no external damage done...
The end result? I was pretty set to put most of my eggs in the one basket. Until last night.
Last night over dinner, my girlfriend, who a bit spacey at times, gets a really weird look on her face and says something like "They already have enough people..." Ominous. Then she starts naming off people in a very long process and concluding that the company has plenty of employees while I go to pieces inside.
She leaves after dinner.
I'm terrified.
Finally, at 2am, I fall asleep. This morning, I wake up thinking that the guy in charge of hiring has stopped by and told me that he only has one position to fill and he has a solid candidate to fill it. That person is NOT me.

The image is still in my head. Those words are still in my head. His facial expressions are still in my head.
This is the first nightmare I've had since I was a teenager.
I hope it never happens again.

Saturday Morning

Woke up slow. That's really the best way to wake up. I've always hated rushing in the morning. I also hate waking up to an alarm. Unfortunately, I rarely go to bed early enough to wake up without one. Or... I go to bed so late waking up "in the middle of the night" results in discovering I'm 4 minutes before the beginning of my day.
Today was good. I put on Modest Mouse and listened to some stuff I've not heard much. Then I played with my girlfriend. I love laughing. I started about a year ago. It's brilliant. It does wonders for my day.
I talked to a colleague yesterday and verified that my cover letter and resume weren't off the charts. I'm not so good at being objective with such things. My mind works in really odd ways. I think of things that most people don't and miss the most obvious of everyday life. At least that's not the reason that no one has responded to my resumes. Which leaves me at square one to figure out how 15 schools could have collectively decided that it wasn't worth an interview...
It's just a matter of pride now. I should be able to get a job easily where my girlfriend works. I just feel like it is the easy way out. It is really nice to be able to ask detailed questions about the situation and get real answers. It's not perfect, but I think I know most of the bad stuff going in. That makes a world of difference to me. 

On the train

I’m on a train listening to Modest Mouse. Ever heard of them? They have been my favorite band for more than two years now. I would liken them to Coldplay, as I really liked them for a while in 2007ish, but MM has something above catchy music. It’s the beautiful harmony of both music and lyrics. I just watched that movie, btw.

So, it’s 9am and I’m on a train into Seoul for the first time all week. I feel better than I have for a very long time. If I had written again yesterday, as I started to do, you would have been informed, in a very sob-story sort of way, that I am currently unemployed. I have been for the past 10 months, but now I’m looking for a job and had gotten a bit scared at the prospects. Or maybe it was the competition.

There is no profession on earth that is untouched at the moment. Everyone is feeling the crunch. Last night, however, I made a decision. I’d had a opportunity knocking that I’d not really given much consideration. I considered it. I talked about it. I thought about it more. It was a good choice. A viable choice. I decided to go for it. Still waiting to hear if it’s a green light, but the chances are in my favor.

Does it bother anyone else when a woman walks past and you can smell her feminine hygiene products? I’ve always wondered why they make them with that distinctive scent. It seems like we could make something more discreet. Just a thought. 

I want

I want to write songs. 

Today is Thursday

My name is Adam. Have you ever noticed that people named Adam are generally a bit odd? Odd in the cool way. Artistic. Eclectic. Maybe even a bit eccentric.
Except for Adam Baldwin... Not really sure about him.
But the norm still exist and has been proven, at least in my experience, over and again.
I've never been good friends with an Adam, but I've observed many. Intelligent. Creative. Likable. Weird.  Some of us wear glasses. Some of us have tattoos. Yet we all share something not-so-easy to define. A charm. An oddness.
Of course, there is the possibility that I'm simply searching for some explanation for my own idiosyncrasies...
Welcome to my world.


And there you have it. A proper introduction.
I get lost in thought. I'm an ace at finding rabbit trails and sometimes I get lost on them. More recently, that has been happening more often, though I generally do make it back to the point.


This blog is not for you. I have no idea if 'you' will ever read it. Part of me doesn't care. The point is that in spite of this blog not being written FOR you, it is being written TO you. Whoever "you" are.
I do not promise wit.
I do not promise laughs
Or the preservation of my own dignity.
I will offer an old cliche typical to this not-so-new-by-today's-standards method of expressing yourself:
Honesty.


Yada Yada Yada.